Rules for the Haddock Household
by Simtiff
Summary: Hiccup and Astrid need to lay down a few ground rules in order to survive a mischievous Viking daughter. Based heavily on "Rules for the Tiggular Household" by Deeplyshallow.


**Rules for the Haddock Household**

"That's for everything else" is not grounds for punching others.

Hiding a dragon in the house other than Toothless or Tornaven is not a laughing matter and I _will_ know.

I've heard the "I'm making outfits" one, too. There's no way you're getting away with that.

I know my cooking isn't the best, but that doesn't mean you can give it to Toothless. (This goes for you too, Hiccup.)

You can't try to feed the cat to Toothless, either.

Hiding Daddy's leg is in _no way_ funny and _will _land you in the time-out corner.

Don't pull on Toothless's head-frills.

This also goes for Grandpa's beard.

No bashyball in the house.

Then again, no bashyball, period.

Mommy gets _extremely _mad if you mention the size of her backside in relativity to that of a dragon's.

Toothless's fear of eels isn't funny.

Don't try to throw my axe unless you want to end up like Daddy last Thor'sday Thursday.

Actually, I think he's suffered worse by my hands.

Getting hair advice from Ruffnut isn't the best idea.

Oh Gods, _don't _tell me you asked Uncle Snotlout where babies come from...

Kissing someone by surprise is only acceptable when you both know you like each other and is not to be used on strangers.

Spitting water in your friend's faces isn't funny, even if you are pretending to be a Scauldren.

Just because I defeated a huge dragon and saved the entire Barbaric Archipelago doesn't mean you can tell people your father's a celebrity.

Even though I only have one leg, I _can_ catch you if you're running away.

Don't beat your friends with fish.

Or meat.

Or logs.

Or shields.

Or anything, for that matter.

The contents of my belt-pouch are none of your business.

Don't stick your hands in Toothless's mouth no matter how trusting you are of him.

Disobeying your father and your entire tribe to defend another who's life is in peril is very different from doing that just because you don't want to do chores.

A bolas cannon is not a toy.

Coloring all over Daddy's sketches isn't funny.

Coloring all over Daddy is.

Just because Toothless licks people doesn't mean humans do that, too.

Trust us, regurgitated fish is _not_ an acquired taste.

Don't repeat anything Tuffnut says.

Whenever Mommy gets angry and starts saying those "special" words, I wouldn't repeat them either, unless you're looking for trouble.

Referring to the Dragon Book for all your problems probably isn't a good idea, no matter how good the "run and pray it does not find you" option sounds when facing your mother.

Don't try to eat clouds.

Yelling at people and then greeting them "good morning" isn't a good wake-up call.

No matter what _some people_ advise you to do, banging your head against a rock to prove your "Vikingness" is a bad idea.

Don't taunt Daddy about the Breast Hat. Your grandma would've wanted you to have it, too.

Mommy does not have a blind spot.

She probably _does _have eyes on the back of her head, too.

Repeating the dragon facts you learned from Fishlegs can get annoying.

Fighting just for the sake of getting a scar out of it is a bad idea.

Stealing our clothes isn't funny.

Don't steal our left socks for troll-hunting, either.

I don't care if you've decided to join the Bog-Burglars so you can avoid brushing your hair, I'll sail over to their island and make you!

No, Hiccup, I think your hair is fine how it is.

Trying to convince us not to punish you for doing the previous acts by "cuting-it-up" does _not _work on us.

Any disobedience of these rules will force us to punish you. I don't care how many times you secede from this village; run off with a dragon, or save the island; these rules _aren't_ changing.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I thought I should make it known that Tornaven is Astrid's Deadly Nadder. Leaving a review would be ever so nice, but thanks for reading anyways!**

**~Simmy**


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